It's just a crime

It's just a crime

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It's just a crime
Message de sheepishly posté le 29-08-2010 à 15:19:10 (S | E | F)
Hi !

Les vacances touchent à leur fin mais l'ennui est plus fort que jamais...
J'ai donc écrit un petit texte en anglais, mais n'étant pas sûr de certaines syntaxes, j'aimerais que vous m'aidiez à parfaire tout cela...

Merci les amis

I heard a cry in the night. It frightened me and my whole body began to shake. I turned on the stereo, trying to reassure myself. My eyes were opened and I was looking at the ceiling. A car shot off in the street and I saw the headlights going away. They make my room full of light. I tried to guess who was driving in the street so tardily. All of a sudden, the flat front door was opened. I could hear both men proceeding for my bedroom. The more they walked, the more I felt terrified. I was too afraid for moving, and when they were closer than ever, I got up brutally and grab a baseball bat. I was hitting one’s head when I felt someone behind me. I do not remember what happened next. I was got up by a man coughing deeply. I pretended I was still sleeping and when he backed turned, I took a knife which was lain on the floor and I stabbed him thrice on the back. He lay with blood dripping on the floor. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had to run away, so, I did it. I wandered in the streets looking for a place to sleep. Once sat down, I remember me the scene. I had killed a man, but the other had escaped from my amuk. I had to find him out and kill him. I didn’t know why I wanted to assassinate men so much, but nobody could have stopped me. It started to rain and I began to look for a man I had never seen…

Hey, it's a little long... But I do think it is worth it to read ! Ha, ha...

Kiss, kiss.

Réponse: It's just a crime de benboom, postée le 29-08-2010 à 15:39:50 (S | E)

Actually, I think it's kind of neat just the way it is.

Some of the errors you made are what we would call "stylisic" errors, that is, choices which someone might or might not agree with. Others are "real" errors of grammar or syntax. Here's the thing [that's American slang]: if you tidy this up so it is all "correct" you will also lose some of the impact that it has, and that would be a shame.

I don't really know how to go about correcting such a piece using this forum's system so I'm going to paste your original in and highlight the things I would change in red.

I heard a cry in the night. It frightened me and my whole body began to shake. I turned on the stereo, trying to reassure myself. My eyes were opened and I was looking at the ceiling. A car shot off in the street and I saw the headlights going away. They make my room full of light. I tried to guess who was driving in the street so tardily. All of a sudden, the flat front door was opened. I could hear both men proceeding for my bedroom. The more they walked, the more I felt terrified. I was too afraid for moving, and when they were closer than ever, I got up brutally and grab a baseball bat. I was hitting one’s head when I felt someone behind me. I do not remember what happened next. I was got up by a man coughing deeply. I pretended I was still sleeping and when he backed turned, I took a knife which was lain on the floor and I stabbed him thrice on the back. He lay with blood dripping on the floor. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had to run away, so, I did it. I wandered in the streets looking for a place to sleep. Once sat down, I remember me the scene. I had killed a man, but the other had escaped from my amuk. I had to find him out and kill him. I didn’t know why I wanted to assassinate men so much, but nobody could have stopped me. It started to rain and I began to look for a man I had never seen…

Can you figure out why I have highlighted these items? Some are simple mistakes and some are really just awkward constructions ("I didn't know why I wanted to assassinate men so much", for example, would be much better if you said "I didn't know why I wanted to kill people so badly" or some other version.)

But it's a very good beginning for a story!

Réponse: It's just a crime de benboom, postée le 29-08-2010 à 15:54:06 (S | E)

Oh, and I almost forgot - to see how somebody really writes this kind of thing, look at anything Mickey Spillane ever wrote.

Réponse: It's just a crime de violet91, postée le 29-08-2010 à 16:12:03 (S | E)

Hello sheepishly ..so you feel bored, don't you ? What a good thing to work at English !

I heard a cry in the night. It frightened me and my whole body began to shake. I turned on the stereo, trying to reassure myself. My eyes were opened and I was looking at the ceiling. A car shot off in the street and I saw the headlights going away. They make my room full of light. I tried to guess who was driving in the street so tardily. All of a sudden, the flat front door was opened. I could hear both men proceeding for my bedroom. The more they walked, the more I felt terrified. I was too afraid for moving, and when they were closer than ever, I got up brutally and grab a baseball bat. I was hitting one’s head when I felt someone behind me. I do not remember what happened next. I was got up by a man coughing deeply. I pretended I was still sleeping and when he backed turned, I took a knife which was lain on the floor and I stabbed him thrice on the back. He lay with blood dripping on the floor. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had to run away, so, I did it. I wandered in the streets looking for a place to sleep. Once sat down, I remember me the scene. I had killed a man, but the other had escaped from my amuk. I had to find him out and kill him. I didn’t know why I wanted to assassinate men so much, but nobody could have stopped me. It started to rain and I began to look for a ma

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Modifié par violet91 le 29-08-2010 16:13

Réponse: It's just a crime de violet91, postée le 29-08-2010 à 16:22:36 (S | E)
Sorry..I have got trouble with my post.

Quite a good start for a detective story..or a nightmare..have you ever met "my" Jeremy? !!..

--Des mots à changer; les v.de perception + gérondif : utilisation très descriptive (sinon, proposition infinitive ; ajouter des modaux pour une sensation particulière "I could.."; employer Was ou were + -ing pour description ..; ajouter un génitif générique (la porte de..)en Anglais (pas forcément Américain)...

Ne pas se laisser influencer par les chansons américaines , dear! I want to tell you!..Good luck ! Your text is worth it, indeed. Interesting, anyway !..You seem to be longing for your school's chair !!

Réponse: It's just a crime de sheepishly, postée le 29-08-2010 à 17:33:08 (S | E)
Hello,

Thank you to the both of you for correcting my text !

violet : Indeed, I'm a little bored during that ending holiday and I'm longing for my school chair, of course ! Above all,the English one

So, I'll try to correct myself with your help...

I heard a scream in the night. It frightened me and my whole body began to shake. I turned on the stereo, trying to reassure myself. My eyes were open and I was looking at the ceiling. A car shot off in the street and I saw the headlights which were going away. They made my room full of light. I tried to guess who could be driving in the street so late. All of a sudden, the flat's front door opened. I could hear both men walking up to my bedroom. The closer they were, the more I was terrify. I was too afraid to move, and when they were closer than ever, I got up brutally and grabbed a baseball bat. I was hitting a head when I felt someone behind me. I do not remember what happened next. I was got up by a man who coughed deeply. I pretended I was still sleeping and when he backed turned, I took a knife which was lain on the floor and I stabbed him thrice on the back. He was lying with blood dripping on the floor. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had to run away, so, I did. I wandered by the streets looking for a place to sleep. Once sat down, I remembered myself the scene. I had killed a man, but the other had escaped from my amuk. I had to find and kill him. I didn’t know why I really wanted to assassinate men and nobody could have stopped me. It started to rain and I began to look for a man I had never seen.

I think I've met your 'Jeremy' during one of his detective story... Why am I influenced by American songs ? What expressions allow you to tell that ? Tell me, tell me !

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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-08-2010 17:51

Réponse: It's just a crime de notrepere, postée le 29-08-2010 à 17:45:47 (S | E)
Hello!

I heard a scream in the night. It frightened me and my whole body began to shake. I turned on the stereo, trying to reassure myself. My eyes were open and I was looking at the ceiling. A car shot off in (down) the street and I saw the headlights which were going away (fade in the distance). They made my room full of light. I tried to guess who could be driving in the street so late. All of a sudden, the flat's front door (front door of my flat) opened. I could hear both men walking up to my bedroom. The closer they were, the more I was terrify (came, the more terrified I became). I was too afraid to move, and when they were closer than ever, I got up brutally [pas le meilleur choix en ce cas] and grabbed a baseball bat. I was hitting a head [whose head?] when I felt someone behind me. I do not remember what happened next. I was got up by a man who coughed deeply. I pretended I was still sleeping and when he backed turned (he turned his back), I took a knife which was lain (lying) on the floor and I stabbed him thrice (three times) on the back. He was lying with blood dripping on the floor. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had to run away, so, I did. I wandered by (through) the streets looking for a place to sleep. Once sat down (As I sat down), I remembered myself the scene (recalled the events of the night). I had killed a man, but the other had escaped from my amuk .

flat's front door: we all do it from time to time, but I would reserve contractions for use with the names of people to show possession. It's more natural to say "the front door of the flat". Or, more precisely, "front from door of MY flat".

The text in blue is offered as a suggestion only.

lain vs lying: lain is past tense. It is more natural to say that it was "lying" on the floor since we don't know why it was "lain" on the floor.

once sat down: This is an awkward statement.

He was lying with blood dripping on the floor: This is a good example of how the lack of punctuation and the order of words can change the meaning.

He was lying on the floor with blood dripping. (I suspect this is what you meant).

He was lying, with blood dripping, on the floor. (Also acceptable - this makes it clear that 1) he was lying on the floor 2) it was his blood that was dripping)

He was, lying with blood dripping, on the floor. (He was on the floor, but whose lying dripping blood is it?)

He was lying with blood dripping, on the floor (He was lying with dripping blood, but was it his?)

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Modifié par notrepere le 30-08-2010 05:41

Réponse: It's just a crime de benboom, postée le 29-08-2010 à 18:17:23 (S | E)

Some notes:

Sorry, but you just can't "get up brutally"; it's not possible.

And unless you want people to think you are from the 18th century you don't stab people thrice; you stab them three times.

What does an amuk eat? Are they easy to housetrain?

Réponse: It's just a crime de may, postée le 31-08-2010 à 02:59:45 (S | E)

Bonsoir,

Une petite touche:

I had to find and kill him. I didn't know why I really wanted to assassinate men (all the men, you meant)and nobody could have stopped ( past tense)me. It started to rain and I began to look for a man I had never seen( met before )

Why am I influenced by American songs ? What expressions allow you to tell that ? Tell me, tell me !

Unless you don't want to get the answer, let put it like this:

What makes you think I am influenced by American songs? Please tell me, please tell me, please! please! please!

A bientôt,

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