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Correction/poème
Message de emiliana15 posté le 17-01-2012 à 19:53:18 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir ,
Je suis en troisième et j'ai un devoir en anglais où je dois faire un poème , pouvez-vous s'il vous plait me dire si mes phrases sont justes , voià mon texte :
Norman , the jump Man
He didn't had legs
Insted he had beautifll springs
He jumped in salt-Lake
But also in Beijing
His torso was stoky
His head was round
On his big bully
He had many wound
His family can't bear
The sound of his bound
They put him on a chair
But Norman up and around
So , thez put him under his bed
But Jumpman get a bump on his head
His family cries and said by by
To Norman , the jumpman who die .
Merci d'avance
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-01-2012 20:15
Message de emiliana15 posté le 17-01-2012 à 19:53:18 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir ,
Je suis en troisième et j'ai un devoir en anglais où je dois faire un poème , pouvez-vous s'il vous plait me dire si mes phrases sont justes , voià mon texte :
Norman , the jump Man
He didn't had legs
Insted he had beautifll springs
He jumped in salt-Lake
But also in Beijing
His torso was stoky
His head was round
On his big bully
He had many wound
His family can't bear
The sound of his bound
They put him on a chair
But Norman up and around
So , thez put him under his bed
But Jumpman get a bump on his head
His family cries and said by by
To Norman , the jumpman who die .
Merci d'avance
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-01-2012 20:15
Réponse: Correction/poème de gerondif, postée le 17-01-2012 à 20:04:46 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Norman , the jump Man
He didn't had legs (conjugaison)
Insted he had beautifll springs(orthographe)
He jumped in salt-Lake (majuscule)
But also in Beijing
His torso was stoky (orthographe)
His head was round
On his big bully(une brute)(bully or body?)
He had many wound (pluriel)
His family can't bear (prétérit?)
The sound of his bound
They put him on a chair
But Norman up and around (licence poétique, ce manque de verbe)
So , thez put him under his bed (orthographe)
But Jumpman get a bump on his head (prétérit préférable, sinon s au verbe au présent)
His family cries and said bye bye (prétérit)
To Norman , the jumpman who die . (prétérit)
Réponse: Correction/poème de emiliana15, postée le 17-01-2012 à 20:43:23 (S | E)
Bonsoir ,
j'ai modifié mon texte car je voulais garder la fin et mon texte ne rimait pas .Je crois avoir corrigé les fautes que vous m'avez dites . Voilà , pouvez-vous regarder de nouveau .
Merci beaucoup
He didn't have legs
He had beautifull springs , insted
He jumped in the school
But also in his swimming pool
His Torso was square
and he had long curly hair
On his head who was round
He had so many wounds
When his family heard the sound
Of Norman and his big bounds
They detested it so they said a big pardon
Because they went to the garden
His family loved jump man
For stay with Norman
For that he stopped jumping
They did something
They put him under his bed
But Jumpman get a bump on his head
His family cried and said bye bye
To Norman , the jumpman who died .
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-01-2012 20:48
Réponse: Correction/poème de violet91, postée le 17-01-2012 à 21:48:29 (S | E)
Hello , emiliana , je laisse à Gérondif le grand soin de voir la 2ème mouture .
You probably meant " belly"( ventre), didn't you ?
Attention aussi aux sons qui diffèrent malgré la même orthographe : rounds / wounds.
Good luck for this exercise which is not easy .
Réponse: Correction/poème de gerondif, postée le 17-01-2012 à 22:19:51 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Merci, Violet !
Je ne m'attache qu'à la correction du texte, car j'ai quand même du mal à trouver poétique un homme aux jambes ressorts qui se fracasse le crâne sous les lattes du lit,
He didn't have any legs
He had beautifull springs , instead
He jumped in the school ("he would jump all around school" aurait le même nombre de pieds que la ligne 4)
But also in his swimming pool.
His Torso was square
and he had long curly hair
On his head who was round [au]
He had so many wounds [u:]
When his family heard the sound
Of Norman and his big bounds
They detested it so they said a big pardon (they detested it and sought for protection)
Because they went to the garden (ça rime moyen et ça ne veut rien dire!)
His family loved jump man
For stay with Norman
For that he stopped jumping (mauvaises constructions)
They did something
They put(threw serait plus violent) him under his bed
But Jumpman get(prétérit) a bump on his head (but Norman jumped and smashed his head)
(pas sûr qu'une bosse suffise à le tuer, un costaud plein de cicatrices doit être plus résistant que cela)
His family cried and said bye bye
To Norman , the jumpman who died .
Réponse: Correction/poème de emiliana15, postée le 18-01-2012 à 17:50:14 (S | E)
Bonsoir !
Merci pour la correction
, je sais que mon texte est trés bizarre mais c'était le but , nos poémes devait être étrange , comme les poemes de Tim Burton , je me suis donc inspiré de Roy ,The Toxic Boy mais j'avoue que mon poéme est un peu illogique . Voila merci beaucoup ! Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
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