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Erreurs/ mon résumé
Message de vinekimov posté le 08-02-2012 à 22:24:17 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
Je dois faire un résumé à propos d'un drame dans une école, pourriez-vous me dire quelles sont mes erreurs, s'il vous plaît ?
" A Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a fourteen-year shoot in High School, and had seven victims including two deaths. The two dead were teachers.
After opening fire, the murderer commits suicide.
He had a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly from this high school for their children and comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer probably may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have traumatized to be the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort. I wish had been less impulsive, may be this tragedy would not have occurred. "
Note : Je dois utiliser 2x la probabilité en conclusion et 2x l'hypothèse situés juste avant la conclusion.
Merci beaucoup !
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Modifié par lucile83 le 08-02-2012 22:48
Message de vinekimov posté le 08-02-2012 à 22:24:17 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
Je dois faire un résumé à propos d'un drame dans une école, pourriez-vous me dire quelles sont mes erreurs, s'il vous plaît ?
" A Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a fourteen-year shoot in High School, and had seven victims including two deaths. The two dead were teachers.
After opening fire, the murderer commits suicide.
He had a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly from this high school for their children and comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer probably may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have traumatized to be the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort. I wish had been less impulsive, may be this tragedy would not have occurred. "
Note : Je dois utiliser 2x la probabilité en conclusion et 2x l'hypothèse situés juste avant la conclusion.
Merci beaucoup !
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 08-02-2012 22:48
Réponse: Erreurs/ mon résumé de gerondif, postée le 08-02-2012 à 23:30:14 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
A Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a fourteen-year shoot in High School, and had seven victims including two deaths. The two dead(***) were teachers.
After opening fire, the murderer commits suicide.
He had a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly from this high school for their children and (**) comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer probably(probably ne va pas avec may)may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have (manque participe passé verbe être) traumatized to(indique un but alors que c'est une cause) be the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort, maybe(en un seul mot) this tragedy would not have occurred. I wish (sujet)had been less impulsive.
ps: il y a = there is, there are
il y avait: there was, there were
Réponse: Erreurs/ mon résumé de vinekimov, postée le 09-02-2012 à 15:24:30 (S | E)
Hello,
Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a shooting in High School, and there were seven victims including two dead by a student of fourteen years old. The two dead were teachers.
After opening fire, the murderer commit suicide.
There was a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly to this high school for their children and comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have been traumatized as be the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort, maybe this tragedy would not have occurred. He wishes had been less impulsive.
Merci.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-02-2012 15:48
Réponse: Erreurs/ mon résumé de gerondif, postée le 09-02-2012 à 16:15:05 (S | E)
Bonjour,
(à, dans) Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a shooting in (une) High School, and there were seven victims including two dead by a student of fourteen years old. The two dead (personnes) were teachers.
After opening fire, the murderer commit(prétérit) suicide.
There was a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly to this high school for their children and (pour)comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
The Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have been traumatized as (as + sujet + prétérit) be the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort, maybe this tragedy would not have occurred. He(qui est ce he?) wishes he had been less impulsive.
Réponse: Erreurs/ mon résumé de vinekimov, postée le 09-02-2012 à 16:30:14 (S | E)
At Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a shooting in a High School, and there were seven victims including two dead by a student of fourteen years old. The two dead persons were teachers.
After opening fire, the murderer committed suicide.
There was a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly to this high school for their children and for comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
The Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have been traumatized as he was the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort, maybe this tragedy would not have occurred. We wish he had been less impulsive.
Désolé pour mon mauvais anglais. Merci.
Réponse: Erreurs/ mon résumé de gerondif, postée le 09-02-2012 à 19:11:23 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
At(at + village, in + ville) Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a shooting in a High School, and there were seven victims including two dead by a student of fourteen years old. The two dead persons (people est préférable) were teachers.
là, il faudrait passer par la formule adjectivale.
a boy who is ten years old is " a ten-year-old boy".
After opening fire, the murderer committed suicide.
There was a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly to this high school for their children and for (pour + verbe !!)comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
The Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have been traumatized as he was the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort, maybe this tragedy would not have occurred. We wish he had been less impulsive.
Réponse: Erreurs/ mon résumé de vinekimov, postée le 09-02-2012 à 19:28:35 (S | E)
In Cleveland (Ohio) in October 2007, there was a shooting in a High School, and there were seven victims including two dead by a teenager. The two dead people were teachers.
After opening fire, the murderer committed suicide.
There was a constant ballet of ambulances, police cars. Some parents came directly to this high school for their children and to comfort them, the atmosphere was really scary.
The Police have started to piece together what happened.
Therefore, we can question the motivations of the killer, the killer may have wanted revenge for an altercation with another student from the school.
Or, more simply, he may have been traumatized as he was the scapegoat of his class.
Finally, if only the educational team had noticed his discomfort, maybe this tragedy would not have occurred. We wish he had been less impulsive.
Réponse: Erreurs/ mon résumé de sherry48, postée le 09-02-2012 à 21:42:59 (S | E)
Hello vinekimov.
Your beginning would be better if you make two shorter sentences and put the two location phrases at the end of the first sentence. The second sentence will be clearer if you make it active.
Some parents came directly to this (since you have already identified the school, the article is sufficient) high school for (maybe you could use a phrase starting with 'to', since it would go better with 'and to comfort them') their children and to comfort them.
Have a nice evening. Sherry
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