Correction /Ophelia

Correction /Ophelia
Message de mely973 posté le 27-01-2013 à 17:19:33 (S | E | F)
Hello,

I have to write a dialogue around the painting by John Everett Millais – Ophelia. (in this painting we see a beautiful woman lying in the water). I tried to do a humoristic one, with two frogs in the river looking at Ophelia, lying in the river.
Please help me to correct the text.
Thank you.

Crog : What the hell she’s doing ?
Frog : I don’t know, but human beings now do anything.
Crog : She is in the water for three days and she’s still floating.
Frog : Surely, she has a rubber ring.
Crog : She is crazy, she didn’t wear her swimsuit, the temperature is 86°F and on the contrary, she is wearing a warm Jean-Paul Gauthier dress.
Frog : She is not swimming. She felt down from a willow growing aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;
There…
Crog : Stop, stop, stop, I don’t understand anything, you are talking like a Shakespeare’s character. Do you think she’s dead?
Frog: If she’s dead, I forbid my tears because she has too much water…
Crog: You go again! But I look forward that maybe she was leaning over for catching frogs and cooking them.
Frog: You silly, stupid frog! She can’t do that, she’s not a French people.
Crog: Don’t you think she looks like Mylene Farmer?
Frog: Not at all! Everybody knows that she’s not a true red-haired one.
Crog: Look, she gave me a wink!
Frog: You’re sure? She doesn’t move!
Crog: Yes, she gave me a wink, I tell you!
Frog: In your dreams!

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Modifié par lucile83 le 27-01-2013 17:40

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Réponse: Correction /Ophelia de sherry48, postée le 27-01-2013 à 18:33:03 (S | E)
Hello.
I like your idea. Here are a few things to begin with.

Crog : What the hell she’s doing ? (Incorrect format for a question).
Frog : I don’t know, but human beings now do anything.
Crog : She is in the water for three days and she’s still floating.(Not present tense).
Frog : Surely, she has a rubber ring.
Crog : She is crazy, she didn’t wear her swimsuit, the temperature is 86°F and on the contrary, she is wearing a warm Jean-Paul Gauthier dress.(86 degrees F=30 degrees C, so it is not cold).
Frog : She is not swimming. She felt down from a willow growing aslant__ a brook,(felt is past tense for feel)
That shows his hoar_ leaves in the glassy stream;
There…
Crog : Stop, stop, stop, I don’t understand anything, you are talking like a Shakespeare’s (Adjective form) character. Do you think she’s dead?
Frog: If she’s dead, I forbid my tears because she has too much water…
Crog: ___ You go again! But I look forward (better translation) that maybe she was leaning over for catching (infinitive) frogs and cooking them.
Frog: You silly, stupid frog! She can’t do that, she’s not a French people. (People is not singular-use a different word).
Crog: Don’t you think she looks like Mylene Farmer?
Frog: Not at all! Everybody knows that she’s not a true red-haired one .(redhead)
Crog: Look, she gave me a wink!
Frog: You’re sure? She doesn’t move! (Use present continuous).
Crog: Yes, she gave me a wink, I tell you!
Frog: In your dreams!

Those are the major areas to work on.
Sherry

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Réponse: Correction /Ophelia de mely973, postée le 27-01-2013 à 21:04:34 (S | E)
Thank you very much Sherry48.

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