Aide /cover letter

Aide /cover letter
Message de paris1357 posté le 07-08-2014 à 13:12:19 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Quelqu'un pourrait-il m'aider à corriger ma lettre de motivation? Sachant que je l'utilise en Angleterre.
Merci beaucoup par avance, cela m'aiderait beaucoup.....

Dear Sir or Madam,

With many commercial experiences, I would like to join your company.

I have been graduated from a business school in Paris, and I had diferent successful experiences, including experiences in which I talked 3 languages: a fluent english and spanish, and my nativ language french. I worked 12 month with too rental car companies, Hertz and Avis, in stresful and exigent situations, so I used to manage every kind of circumstances, being hard-working, eficient and profesional. I also had an experience for 9 month as seller with GoSport, an international company focused about sport products, and diferent jobs as commercial (hunting).

To work with you would be a great opportunity to evolve in a fast and profesional environment, working with people from all around the world. I’d appreciated to quickly adapt to your environment, and give my best to succeed.

I don’t have restrictions about planings, so I can work Sunday and nights, according to your specific needs. Give me the posibility to work with you, and I’ll prove you my integrity, dynamism, and motivations.


I look forward to meeting you.

Your sincerely,

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Modifié par lucile83 le 07-08-2014 14:08

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Réponse: Aide /cover letter de sherry48, postée le 07-08-2014 à 16:27:31 (S | E)
Hello.
Words underlined are spelling errors.

With many commercial experiences, I would like to join your company.

I have (been) graduated from a business school in Paris, and I had diferent (You could use various instead) successful experiences, including experiences in which I talked(Do not use talk with languages, but speak) 3 languages: a fluent english and spanish, and my nativ language french. (Consider using an adverb instead of the adjective fluent)I worked 12 month with too rental car companies, Hertz and Avis, in stresful and exigent situations, so I used to manage every kind of circumstances, (every kind singular or all kinds plural)being hard-working, eficient and profesional. I also had an experience for 9 month as seller (in sales? as a salesperson?) with GoSport, an international company focused about sport products, and diferent jobs as commercial (hunting).

To work (I would use a noun form, instead of the infinitive, as you did in the next phrase & leave it out the second) with you would be a great opportunity to evolve in a fast and profesional environment, working with people from all around the world. I’d appreciated to quickly adapt to your environment, and give my best to succeed.

I don’t have restrictions about planings, so I can work Sundays and nights, according to your specific needs. Give me (Not the imperative...If you...I will) the posibility to work with you, and I’ll prove toyou my integrity, dynamism, and motivations.

There are still some areas to improve, but this is a good start.

Regards,
Sherry

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Réponse: Aide /cover letter de here4u, postée le 07-08-2014 à 18:22:46 (S | E)
Hello, Hello Sherry

If you're really willing to send this letter to England, you should change quite a few more things, besides what Sherry already corrected you ...

Experience = knowledge = uncountable and singular in (especially used in that context). You repeat it so many times that you have to change words : use 'position', 'job', etc. Suppress the 'a' in front of English and Spanish;
-Change 'I used to ' into : 'I'm used to managing ...'
En le split infinitive 'to quickly adapt' is not admitted especially in a formal letter, which this one is ...

I think it's not a good idea to speak about your future schedules ...When you ask for a position, you should show you're ready to take anything without letting them think that normally, you wouldn't work at night or at weekends ...

Allez ! bon courage !

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