Detective Story/aide

Detective Story/aide
Message de maykashia posté le 14-03-2015 à 18:43:17 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai une expression écrite bientôt sur une invention d'une histoire policière. J'aimerais savoir si cela reste correcte pour une élève de 2nd et si vous pouviez m'aider à corriger mes fautes. Je vous en remercie d'avance

I'm an policewoman of New York Cop. A few days ago, a teacher was found dead in the school at 6p.m. It was mine first investigation so I was panicked and shocked. There was two men and a student at the crime scene.
To begin, I asked to the two men and the student what they were doing at the moment ant they said that they had heard screams in the class and came running. There was a bloodstain on the floor and next to the corpse was a gun. On the revolver, there were fingerprints, but it wasn't Mr.Davidson's fingerprints. "I saw a woman with dark clothes out of the class" answered the student, therefore it wasn't a suicide but a murder. The two men was also technicians and they proposed to look the security cameras.
Then, we saw the face of the culprit... It was Mrs.Davidson, his wife!She was trying to run away when the police arrest her in her house. Fingerprints matched, as a consequence, she killed him. But why she shouted him? In my opinion, she killed her husband because of money, or maybe he was cheated on her? Perhaps she wanted to take revenge about that. We don't know.
Finally, Mrs.Davidson was imprisoned for twenty years.


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Modifié par lucile83 le 14-03-2015 19:26
Mise en forme standard

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Réponse: Detective Story/aide de gerondif, postée le 14-03-2015 à 19:17:53 (S | E)
Bonjour,
attention à l'infinitif en français.
si vous pouviez m'aider à corriger(découvrir, comprendre) mes fautes.
erreurs en bleu, corrections en vert

I'm an policewoman of(provenance) New York Cop(peu soutenu). A few days ago, a teacher was found dead in the school at 6 p.m. It was mine(il faut l'adjectif possessif) first investigation so I was panicked and shocked. There was(pluriel) two men and a student at the crime scene.

To begin, I asked to(inutile) the two men and the student what they were doing at the moment(mauvais complément de temps, ce n'est pas en ce moment) and they said that they had heard screams in the classroom and came(pzut-être mettre ce verbe aussi au pluperfect, avec l'auxiliaire avoir) running. There was a bloodstain on the floor and next to the corpse was a gun. On the revolver, there were fingerprints, but it wasn't(les fingerprints sont au pluriel) Mr.Davidson's fingerprints. "I saw a woman with dark clothes (manque un verbe de mouvement en ing)out of the class" answered the student, therefore it wasn't a suicide but a murder. The two men was(pluriel) also technicians and they proposed(mauvais choix de verbe, utiliser look) to look at the security cameras.(ce sont les films de surveillance qu'ils vont regarder, pas les caméras)

Then, we saw the face of the culprit... It was Mrs.Davidson, his wife!She was trying to run away when the police arrest (prétérit en ed) her in her house. Fingerprints matched, as a consequence(ne convient pas, c'est une preuve et pas une conséquence, il faut dire, ce qui prouve que) she killed him. But why she shouted (mauvais verbe, to shout, crier, to shoot, "flinguer". Mauvaise forme interrogative, il faut auxiliaire sujet verbe comme dans why do you smoke ?) him? In my opinion, she killed her husband because of money, or maybe he was cheated(participe présent) on her? Perhaps she wanted to take revenge about that. We don't know.

Finally, Mrs.Davidson was imprisoned for twenty years.

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Réponse: Detective Story/aide de maykashia, postée le 15-03-2015 à 13:54:37 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup de votre aide!
En recorrigeant mes fautes, cela donne:

I'm an policewoman from New York Police Officer. A few days ago a teacher was found dead in the scool at 6 p.m. It was my first investigation so I was panicked and shocked. There were two men and a student at the crime scene.

To begin, I asked the two men and the student what they were doing at this moment and they said that they had heard screams in the classroom and they had came running. There was a bloodstain on the floor and next to the corpse was a gun. On the revolver, there were fingerprints, but it weren't Mr.Davidson's. "I saw a woman with dark clothes going out of the class" answered the student, therefore it wasn't a suicide but a murder. The two men were also technicians and they look at the security cameras.

Then, we saw the face of the culprit... It was Mrs.Davidson, his wife! She was trying to run away when the police arrested her in her house. Fingerprints matched which proves that that she killed him. But why did she shooted him? In my opinion, she killed her husband because of money, or maybe he was cheated on her? Perhaps she wanted to take revenge about that. We don't know.

Finally, Mrs.Davidson was imprisoned for twenty years.

S'il y a une autre faute, pouvez-vous me le signaler s'il vous plaît?

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Réponse: Detective Story/aide de gerondif, postée le 15-03-2015 à 15:00:27 (S | E)
Bonjour,
I'm an policewoman from New York Police Officer. A few days ago a teacher was found dead in the scool at 6 p.m. It was my first investigation so I was panicked and shocked. There were two men and a student at the crime scene.

To begin(First irait mieux), I asked the two men and the student what they were doing at this moment(il faut utiliser le complement de temps "alors") and they said that they had heard screams in the classroom and they had came(participe passé) running. There was a bloodstain on the floor and next to the corpse was a gun. On the revolver, there were fingerprints, but it(pluriel!) weren't Mr.Davidson's. "I saw a woman with dark clothes going out (un verbe un peu plus rapide irait mieux, elle n'est pas partie d'un pas lent)of the class(class, c'est un groupe de personnes, classroom, c'est une pièce)" answered the student, therefore it wasn't a suicide but a murder. The two men were also technicians and they look(prétérit) at the security cameras.(encore une fois, ils ne sont pas réparateurs, ils n'examinent pas les caméras mais les films)

Then, we saw the face of the culprit... It was Mrs.Davidson, his wife! She was trying to run away when the police arrested her in her house. Fingerprints matched,(virgule) which proves that that she killed him. But why did she shooted(formation du prétérit à la forme interrogative à revoir) him? In my opinion, she killed her husband because of money, or maybe he was cheated(encore une fois, participe PRESENT, en ing!!) on her? Perhaps she wanted to take revenge about that. We don't know.

Finally, Mrs.Davidson was imprisoned for twenty years.

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Réponse: Detective Story/aide de maykashia, postée le 15-03-2015 à 15:24:41 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup! ^^ J'ai refait les mêmes erreurs sans m'en rendre compte

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